I’ve read Rollo May’s The Courage to Create about 6 times. Once because I had to in college. The second time was because I didn’t understand what the hell he was talking about the first time. The third, fourth and fifth instances were all fruitless attempts to reconnect with my creative spirit in a somewhat pretentious way, only half paying attention because it was mostly to show how intellectual and progressive I was. This time felt different from the beginning. I picked it up off of the shelf in my house, where it sits with all of my other well worn, unread art theory and criticism books, and stared at the cover. A familiar ‘second year art student’ feeling of inadequacy and an underdeveloped sense of self began to creep in. Instead of letting it consume me and let it direct me to either put the book back on the shelf or crack it open just to prove something, I felt a sort of desperation to ingest and inhale the information inside, in an attempt to save my creative soul. As ridiculously dramatic as that sounds, I felt that the answers to this perpetual state of anxiety that I find myself mired in, might be in there and I needed to find out. This is not stomach pit, uncomfortable anxiety. This is throw your computer against the wall, snap at your loved ones anxiety that has the potential to be extremely threatening to my relationships and my electronics. Many Facebook friends and relatives over-post the positive effects of prescription drugs to help combat this ‘disease’ and think that numbing this feeling is the answer. This, to me, is the equivalent of putting an air freshener in landfill. It might mask a few cubic feet of the problem so that living in that box could be tolerable. It doesn’t, however, fix the root of the problem or help at all when you step out of that safe zone. 

I delved into a world of acupuncture and herbal supplements to help suppress this feeling ‘naturally’ and it actually seemed to help a little. I found that at my most idle (sitting there in the recliner with tiny needles stuck in my skin) my anxiety was the strongest… Yet at the same time, my mind started to race with creative energy and ideas. I came to the realization that  my anxiety is creative energy unrealized. As cliche as it sounds, it is literal energy that is pent up inside of my mind/body/soul and it produces symptoms of anxiousness if it is not allowed to materialize. The solution here is to turn into the skid… not combat the anxiety, but give into it completely and let it manifest itself. It is that anxious feeling that keeps you reaching for more. That idea that there is more to life, more to learn, more to understand. I believe now that this anxiety is a gift. It is an intrinsic need to create, to build, to teach, to learn, to grow, to impact, to empower, to give back, to speak, to LIVE. Who would want to suppress that? 

11.28.2016

I was on a path… a path of living selfishly in the pursuit of personal happiness. I was not fulfilled because this is not a fulfilling pursuit. I knew there was more to this life but it was not in the direction I was searching. Graduate school put me on a new path. A path toward doing work that mattered. Work that made a difference. It was fulfilling. I felt empowered, capable, and qualified, which were not things that I had felt before. I interviewed, got a job, and moved to South Carolina with that same sense of empowerment and a bright outlook on what the future held for me. At Lincoln Middle-High School that spark was not nurtured or tended to and it quickly burned out. It wasn’t the fault of the school system, or the administration, or my students… it was mine. I shut it down. I was overwhelmed and I felt all of my power taken away from me. I want that back. I want to do work that matters. Work that makes a difference in this world. Work that fulfills me and helps me to pass on a principled work ethic and a devotion to the aide and empowerment of others. 

I resigned from teaching to pursue and seemingly noble cause that would allow for all of these things. I believe that it is right and that it is the path that I should be on. However, I am idle and discouraged and frustrated right now. I am not doing work that matters. In fact I am doing work that matters very little. I am trying to see my interactions with the guests at the bar as something significant and that in some small way, I am reaching people and inspiring people and motivating people. Meanwhile, my own courage and strength is being shackled. I need something to give. The studio space, a part time teaching position, someone to take me seriously so I can start taking myself seriously. At this point, I feel as thought grad school and all that I worked for were fruitless. I need to straighten my path, right my ship, and not lose sight of the destination, yet somehow enjoy the journey and learn from these idle times. I need to use these down times to build strength, learn, and collect more tools for when the path gets rough. 

10.14.2016