I was on a path… a path of living selfishly in the pursuit of personal happiness. I was not fulfilled because this is not a fulfilling pursuit. I knew there was more to this life but it was not in the direction I was searching. Graduate school put me on a new path. A path toward doing work that mattered. Work that made a difference. It was fulfilling. I felt empowered, capable, and qualified, which were not things that I had felt before. I interviewed, got a job, and moved to South Carolina with that same sense of empowerment and a bright outlook on what the future held for me. At Lincoln Middle-High School that spark was not nurtured or tended to and it quickly burned out. It wasn’t the fault of the school system, or the administration, or my students… it was mine. I shut it down. I was overwhelmed and I felt all of my power taken away from me. I want that back. I want to do work that matters. Work that makes a difference in this world. Work that fulfills me and helps me to pass on a principled work ethic and a devotion to the aide and empowerment of others. 

I resigned from teaching to pursue and seemingly noble cause that would allow for all of these things. I believe that it is right and that it is the path that I should be on. However, I am idle and discouraged and frustrated right now. I am not doing work that matters. In fact I am doing work that matters very little. I am trying to see my interactions with the guests at the bar as something significant and that in some small way, I am reaching people and inspiring people and motivating people. Meanwhile, my own courage and strength is being shackled. I need something to give. The studio space, a part time teaching position, someone to take me seriously so I can start taking myself seriously. At this point, I feel as thought grad school and all that I worked for were fruitless. I need to straighten my path, right my ship, and not lose sight of the destination, yet somehow enjoy the journey and learn from these idle times. I need to use these down times to build strength, learn, and collect more tools for when the path gets rough. 

10.14.2016